The “m” word

No one talks about it.  It is hidden grief.  Why?

If I haven’t told you, it’s not because I haven’t wanted to.  I’ve probably been in conversation with you.  The ‘m’ word on the tip of my tongue.  But how do you interject that into a conversation?  Where is the segue into “Hey, I had a miscarriage”?  What a conversation downer.  And then, how does the conversation move on from it?  I’ve probably tried to tell you, but the ‘m’ word just doesn’t come out very easily.

That, and the fact that in my stage of life if I say I have news, everyone automatically thinks I’m pregnant.  So I could preface it with, I have bad news, unfortunate news, sad news - still brings the conversation down. 

If I say it in an off-hand way you might think I’m over the pain and grief.  I’m not.  It hurts.  Still.
If I say it with lots of emotion and tears it might freak you out.  You wouldn’t know what to say because it’s not your experience.  What do you say?  I haven’t figured it out either.
 
So I am saying it the best way I can, the way I prefer, in writing.

At 6 1/2 weeks I saw the heartbeat.
At 6 1/2 weeks the heartbeat stopped.

You are gone too soon.  Before you had time to even be.  You were barely here and now you are not.
Emptiness where you should have been.
Sadness were there should be joy.
Something was wrong little one.  Perhaps things didn’t form correctly.  You will be missed little one.

You were my baby.  You are my baby.  You brought me joy.  I love you.  Good-bye.

July 16, 2013 - one on earth and one in heaven

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say ‘My tooth is aching’ than to say ‘My heart is broken.’”
C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain.

This is me saying my heart is broken but I am healing.

The Lord is near the broken hearted and saves the crushed spirit.  Psalm 34:18

Giving Concentration Room to Grow

Despite being a 'stay-at-home' mom we spend surprisingly few days completely at home.  Usually we run errands or see friends, and there is our weekly trip to the library.  But today we stayed home.  All day.  It was a nice break from running around, but I also noticed how differently Cora's played today than on days when a trip to the store breaks up the morning.

Her favorite question these days is: "What can I do Mommy?"  She will ask it as soon as I get her down from breakfast.  Often it is when I'm making a meal and I'll try to direct her to play by herself.

Today, I barely heard it.  After getting dressed said she wanted to do buttons.  (One of her new fascinations.)  So we pulled out her sweater with big buttons.  She stood with the sweater resting on a chair and carefully pushed the three buttons through the buttonholes.  She proudly showed me what she had done, then promptly unbuttoned the sweater and started again.  Nearly twenty minutes later she was still buttoning.  Eventually she lost interest and the sweater sat on the couch until the evening when she again stood with the sweater and carefully buttoned and unbuttoned it many times over.

It reminded me of the time we dressed and undressed her baby doll 6 or 7 times in a row.  We carefully lined up each of the eight snaps and after the last one was snapped she pulled them all apart and asked to do it again.  And when Cora was finished, Baby still didn't have her jammies on.

Why?  Why do children do that?  Repetition.  Dr. Montessori said the hand teaches the mind.  All the ideas and philosophy floating around in my head becomes reality when I watch my daughter.  Repetition and concentration.  How do you build your child's concentration?  Don't interrupt them.  I'm not saying the child rules the roost.  But if they are engaged in an activity (especially by themselves) and it is not harming anyone or anything, there is no emergency and you aren't trying to get out the door to a doctors appointment - leave them alone.

When I was a newbie teacher I would walk around the classroom touching the children's shoulders, 'checking in', asking how they were doing.  I thought I was being a great teacher.  Finally I realized I was interrupting them.  The child who is working hard to count beads to find out how much 8 + 5 equals will be thrown off by a touch on the shoulder.  He will forget where he was, perhaps have to start counting all over again and could become frustrated.

How will a child learn to concentrate if we (the adult, parent or teacher in their life) don't allow them time to work uninterrupted?  Even by the video camera to capture the cuteness.

There is another confession: I have interrupted Cora because I wanted to save the adorable.  It wasn't on purpose.  I try to be discreet, but as soon as she realizes I'm there and sees the camera her concentration is broken.

Today was a good reminder.
To step back, to just watch, just listen as she 'reads' to her Baby, to let her be.

The Curious Thing About Curious George

I took a break from blogging.  Grad classes have lots of reading and writing, which are hard to do when it’s not naptime or bedtime.  I decided not to return to teaching this fall so that I can be home full time with my adorable daughter, and yet I’m still busy.  I’m determined to write more though; and so I find myself back at the blog.  Here we go...

I read an interesting blog post (read it here) this week about teaching reading through the classics.  It was good.  It described how important it is to read to your children above their level so their vocabulary is expanded.  I totally agree and credit Cora’s large vocabulary to the massive (for a two year old) amount of books we read every day.

One of the book recommendations caught my eye, especially because it is one we have out of the library right now.  Curious George by H. A. Rey.  The original.  The first one written.  Unabridged.  Do you know the story?  It’s about a curious little monkey who lives with the man with the yellow hat, right?  Hmm, sort of.  See the book opens on George eating a banana in his natural habitat, the jungle, then the man with the yellow hat enters with rifle slung over his shoulder and decides George is cute and that he wants him.  The man with the yellow hat tricks George and into the bag he goes.  On the boat ride to the big ship the book even mentions that George was sad.

Then there’s the pipe smoking.  The man with the yellow hat smokes a pipe.  The sailors smoke pipes.  George smokes a pipe!  That’s right, Curious George smokes a pipe after having dinner complete with wine (though I suppose the glass could have been the man with the yellow hat’s, but even then...).

Move on to the telephone scene.  Why is the man with the yellow hat calling the zoo?  Is he selling George?  Does he go around collecting animals from remote parts of the world to sell them to the highest bidder?  You never know.  But George is ever curious and plays with the phone, accidentally calling the fire department.  When they realize there is no fire the fireman go berserk.  A fat fireman and a thin fireman catch George (I guess it’s teaching kids opposites).  So kids, what do you think the punishment is for accidentally calling the fire department?  A stern talking to?  A slap on the hand?  A fine?  Nope.  Prison.  George is thrown in prison.  But it’s okay, because he escapes when the big and heavy prison guard tips over the bench.  The rest of the book includes a misadventure with balloons, but nothing too bad, until George is reunited with his ‘friend’ the man with the yellow hat who takes him off to the zoo.

My how times have changed.  First copyrighted in 1941 the Curious George franchise has changed a lot over the years.  It is more politically correct, not pointing out the girth of fireman or portraying the man with the yellow hat as an imperialist.  The books are shorter too.  Older children’s books like this one are much longer and wordier than their modern counterparts.  (This book for example might be split into three books: Curious George is Abducted, Curious George goes to Prison and Curious George is Scared of Heights.)  In all seriousness, I don’t think the trend of shorter, simpler books helps our children, and I think it can hurt them.  Longer, wordier books aren’t always appropriate, but they are needed to expand the child’s vocabulary and to grow his concentration.  If only short books are read to the child, how will he learn to sit and listen to longer books?

I am not against this book.  It’s weird and strange, but I will not stop reading it to my child, nor will I abridge or modify as I am reading.  At this point, she is not asking questions about what is going on.  Someday she might, and then I hope we can talk about how times have changed.

When Plans Don't Work

As soon as the website loaded I heard Cora whimpering.  She's supposed to be asleep for another 45 minutes at least.  I had it all planned.  I was finally going to sit down to right a blog post.  A blog post that was long overdue with the 'ugly' Christmas sweater pic I promised (read the post here).  I had it all planned to take a cute photo of me 'adjusting' Pete's fake tie with my back to the camera so the picture on the back would show.  That didn't happen.  I had other blog posts planned about the stockings I finally made for Cora and Pete (still one to come for myself) and Christmas traditions.  Obviously those didn't happen, and now it is January 18th.  Too late for Christmas tradition posts, too late for New Year's resolution posts (good thing I didn't resolve to post more).

Christmas was wonderful and full of time with family.  But that left little time for things like finishing my Montessori Math Album (my self-given due date of January 1st has come and gone), and even less time for things like blog posts.

Unfortunately that's how I've been feeling lately, too late or running late, or about to be late or that I'm trying to play catch up.  It's a vicious circle that I'm trying to break.  It's hard to have grace for myself.  But I know that my Math Album is almost done and will eventually be done despite a toddler and a new weekend grad class this semester.

Here are some of the things I did back in December:

Our sweaters.  Unfortunately we didn't win.

The front of my sweater.  The sequins on the pockets were already on the sweater.

Cora's stocking on Christmas Eve

His grace is sufficient for me.

DIY Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Well, all of my Christmas projects have been on hold this week.  We were invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party.  Because they cost way too much on Craigslist and you can't find them in the thrift shops and my mom already got rid of hers (and I didn't want to buy them from Wal-Mart either), I decided to make my own.  Here's a sneak peek, I can reveal the rest after the party.

The raw materials:

His sweater

My Sweater

Picking Fabrics:

Finally using some of the vintage fabrics I inherited from my Great Grandma

Digging deep into my fabric stash

Adding Details:

Can't have a Christmas sweater without sequins

I will post the finished products after the party.  Maybe we will win the prize.

Getting in the Christmas Spirit

Well, it's been nearly a month since my last post and I was all gung-ho about writing more.  I haven't really been writing, but I have been busy.  You can read about my Christmas crafts last year on my Headless Angel post.  I had forgotten all about the headless angel until I opened the box of ornaments and there she was - still headless (no little elves visited me over the summer).   I decided not to put her on the tree until she had a head.  I also realized when I opened the box that I still don't have a Christmas stocking for my now 15 month old.
These projects got added to the Christmas Crafting To Do List, which never seems to get shorter.  Also on the list are Christmasy throw-pillow covers for the couch, outdoor hanging somethings for the basket hooks by the side door and an indoor wreath made with yarn balls or bells or something cozy and creative that looks like it should be in Better Homes and Gardens or Martha Stewart.  The calendar bent in my favor this year with Thanksgiving being so early I had a whole week of already being in the Christmas spirit and it wasn't even December yet (great for feeling like you've got a head start on things).
So here's a look at my crafting so far.  As you can see the angel is no longer headless!

But as my husband points out, she is now bald; and back on the Christmas Crafting To Do List.

In the summer I have two hooks for hanging flower baskets by our side door.  I wanted to make something festive to hang on them.  The tree farm we went to had a huge pile of boughs to choose from so I grabbed an arm load.  Let's just say it has been a process of trial and error, with a lot of error.

Attempt # 1

Attempt # 2

Attempt # 3
 and where I'm stopping

The project I'm really pleased with is the throw-pillow cover I've finished (yes, that's right I said finished!).

Birch trees

Close-Up

Still no stocking for Cora and I've just remembered we need a tree skirt, but hey it's only December 8th.  I've got loads of time.

My Very First "Con"

Convention that is, or was it a conference.  Still not clear on that, but I was there at AnthoCon 2012 (you can add the synthesizer echo in your head).  Overall I'm glad I went.  I'm also glad I didn't spend money on it, or at least not really.

Last March I won tickets at my school's silent auction.  I was the only bid.  So for $40 I won four tickets.  I didn't really know what they were tickets for, neither did other bidders I think, but as a teacher we make sure all items get bids.  Eight months later I still didn't know what I was in for and the website wasn't very helpful in telling me what I wanted to know.  In my typical style I didn't google what 'speculative fiction' was until last night and it turns out I've read a ton in that genre.  

The conference, or maybe convention, was interesting.  It was encouraging and depressing at the same time.  Encouraging because I see that I have time.  If I am diligent and write like crazy now, some day when my life doesn’t include toddlers and grad classes I can put in the time and effort to getting published.  The authors on the New Writers Panel had been writing “their whole lives” but had only been published in the last 5 years.  They were all at least 10 years older than me.  Okay, so I have time.  But, there are already so many authors and only more to come.  And the future is ebooks (bleh) and no one will want to put my book on a bookshelf.  It’s depressing because it’s all been said before and if I wait, anything I had to say will be said by the time I’m ready to seek out publishing.  

So really the question becomes ‘why do I write?’  There’s a big part of me that writes for recognition (I think that is true of many writers, and really of everybody in whatever field they are in - why do athletes want to go pro?  Why do crafters start blogs?)  But I know I write for me.  I write because there are words in my head and I can’t retain them.  If I don’t write them down I will loose them.  I write because to keep it all inside would make me crazy.  Though from the outside I might already look like I’m crazy because I talk to myself so much (gotta get those words out).  

I went into the conference claiming I knew nothing about speculative fiction.  Seeing the blood-spattered gothic book covers and plethora of black clothing seemed to confirm my view.  But really speculative fiction was largely what I read growing up.  Besides the more recent pop-hits Twilight and Hunger Games, there’s Frank Peretti and George McDonald, not to mention Lewis and Tolkien.  Madeleine L’Engle for crying out loud - one of my favorite authors of all time.  Fairy tales, all books by Robin McKinley, old English lore - King Arthur, Merlin - all fall under the vast umbrella of speculative fiction.  AnthoCon leaned heavily towards the horror/thriller genre with a little bit of paranormal romance (I don’t want to ever go there), but according to one of the founders they are hoping for it to expand, for the other genres of speculative fiction to be included soon.  

The most important piece of advice from the whole weekend: if I put it on my blog it is self-published and a publisher won’t want it.  

I can hear that nap time is over, which means so is my time to write....at least for now.