20 November 2013

The “m” word

No one talks about it.  It is hidden grief.  Why?

If I haven’t told you, it’s not because I haven’t wanted to.  I’ve probably been in conversation with you.  The ‘m’ word on the tip of my tongue.  But how do you interject that into a conversation?  Where is the segue into “Hey, I had a miscarriage”?  What a conversation downer.  And then, how does the conversation move on from it?  I’ve probably tried to tell you, but the ‘m’ word just doesn’t come out very easily.

That, and the fact that in my stage of life if I say I have news, everyone automatically thinks I’m pregnant.  So I could preface it with, I have bad news, unfortunate news, sad news - still brings the conversation down. 

If I say it in an off-hand way you might think I’m over the pain and grief.  I’m not.  It hurts.  Still.
If I say it with lots of emotion and tears it might freak you out.  You wouldn’t know what to say because it’s not your experience.  What do you say?  I haven’t figured it out either.

So I am saying it the best way I can, the way I prefer, in writing.

At 6 1/2 weeks I saw the heartbeat.
At 6 1/2 weeks the heartbeat stopped.

You are gone too soon.  Before you had time to even be.  You were barely here and now you are not.
Emptiness where you should have been.
Sadness were there should be joy.
Something was wrong little one.  Perhaps things didn’t form correctly.  You will be missed little one.

You were my baby.  You are my baby.  You brought me joy.  I love you.  Good-bye.

July 16, 2013 - one on earth and one in heaven

Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say ‘My tooth is aching’ than to say ‘My heart is broken.’”
C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain.

This is me saying my heart is broken but I am healing.

The Lord is near the broken hearted and saves the crushed spirit.  Psalm 34:18

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